Air

Another day at the beach, sand between her toes, salty air on her lips. She is familiar with the ocean. Diving through the waves she feels the water enveloping her body. The feeling is exciting and she tells herself that she could somehow make it work to live in the sea.

...and then it hits. Slamming her down into the ocean floor, forcing her into sand and reef, the power of the wave gives her a dreadful feeling. She is reminded of the heaviness that comes with swimming in the waves. As she tumbles in chaos looking for light she realizes she has run out of breath. Struggling to put her feet back on the ground she bursts through the surface of the water and air rushes into her lungs. Oh the joyous feeling of life re-entering her cells!

She has been through this experience too many times, telling herself she could inhabit the ocean and learn to live in its unpredictable world but is always reminded that her lungs are not compatible with this ecosystem and her spirit cannot take the beatings. Today she walks away from the sea with a great respect for it, takes a deep breath of fresh air and is thankful.

Go outside and play!- A few of my favorite things.

I've never been much of a shopper except when it comes to outdoor gear. When I find something good it becomes like gold to me! Just wanted to share four things that changed my life outdoors!

The REI Taku Rain and Wind Jacket

This durable and waterproof jacket has a feminine fit and the fabric on the back is silky soft. It's not bulky and isn't meant to be warm but makes a great outer layer for those windy/rainy days.
Perks:
The sleeves are long for tall girls
The colors are cheerful for those rainy days
It's made by REI so the price is better than big name brands
Note:
I'm normally a medium but a small fit me best. I suggest trying one on!

Five-Ten Approach Shoes


My first experience with 5-10s were in New Zealand. We were making our way down Sleeping god's canyon and my feet were sticking to mossy wet rocks. Normal tennis shoes and most hiking shoes don't have the grip that these shoes do. It could be that Five-Ten uses the same stealth rubber on these as their rock climbing shoes. I'm continually amazed at my ability to walk down almost vertical faces when bouldering or hiking. I cannot praise these shoes enough! I would recommend these as a hiking shoe to anyone, anyday!
Perks:
Many styles, male and female
Comfortable
They are Amphibious- certain shoes are made especially for water
They give you a whole new confidence when climbing on rocks because you trust your feet
The Five-Ten outlet store is right here in Redlands, CA
Notes:
I bought a whole size up.
They tend to run smaller than normal and you want that extra space for hiking.

Camelbak Day Star pack

Lugging a water bottle up a mountain is no fun especially when you also want to carry snacks and a base layer for later. This little pack is the perfect size for lunch, a warm layer, 2 liters of water, and all the other little necessities you need on a hike or bike ride (compass, pocket knife, chapstick, and sunscreen). I love having my water easily accessible on a bike and the size isn't too bulky. I've actually started taking this everywhere as it fits my school books and has now become my purse.
Perks:
Very comfortable
Comes with a water bladder
The price was right on Amazon when I found this one.
Notes:
This is a girls pack and doesn't have a waist strap if that's a necessity for you

Merino Wool


This is the next best thing to being naked...unless it's cold outside, then it is the best!

These sheep got it good! Their wool keeps you warm (even when you get soaked), wicks away sweat, and doesn't hold odor. My favorite thing about it is, it's NOT ITCHY! This stuff is oh so comfy! I can't bring myself to put on cotton socks anymore as they hold sweat and cause blisters. Smartwool socks rock my world! As for baselayers- Icebreaker, Backcountry, and Smartwool all make great different merino base layers. So whether you are on top of a glacier or in the desert this stuff is amazing!..better than polyester, polypropylene, capilene, silk, and gold!

I don't understand yet

"I dreamed about going to the beach with my wife like we used to." he said. The nurse was pulling off the yellow fluid soaked dressing from the largest pressure ulcer I have ever seen. The woman's buttocks were nearly gone and bone was visible amongst the red emaciated tissue and serous fluid oozing from the wound. Being a paraplegic, she couldn't control her bladder. This meant urine was constantly soaking her underwear and giving her an additional rash around the ulcer. She also had a colostomy bag attached to the side of her stomach.

I asked them how they met and both of their eyes lit up as they took turns telling the story of how she used to walk by his desk at work and he would wave at her until one day he asked her to breakfast. They spent their early years together biking, swimming, and fishing at Catalina island.

Now...
He spends his days taking care of her. Changing and dressing her wounds, emptying the poop from her colostomy bag, taking her to doctors appointments.

They have been married 25 years and he still looks at her with love in his eyes.

How to make a friendship.

What's the key? The equation for making a friend and keeping a close bond of love and trust? This is what I have decided from experience.

(You + A person you like) + spending at least 15 min together x 5 days a week x 1 year = close friendship

me, myself, and I

I've been off kilter it seems for a week or so now.
I'm just now realizing it but it has been brought to my attention by those closest to me.
Friends, family asking,
"What's wrong?...You don't seem like yourself."
I'm not sure what's wrong but I feel unrest inside my soul.

I guess when I sit back and think about it, there is a lot going on that I'm not addressing.
Grad school is almost over.
Boards come next and I should be lining up job interviews.
But where will I go?
My parents are relocating. I don't have strong ties anywhere.
My relationship with God is not much of a relationship right now.
It has been a while since we talked.
Art.
It used to be a part of me but not recently.
Feeling inadequate.
Not feeling myself.

I've read that for NFs (idealists) it's highly important for their inner compass to be on track,
for them to be in line with their morals and beliefs.
Where did my compass go?

be back soon

On Fear and Freedom

The first necessity for freedom is that there should be no fear--not only the fear imposed by society but also the psychological fear of insecurity. If there is ambition, if there is the struggle to be somebody, does that not entail fear? And does that not imply that he who is very successful is not truly free? So fear imposed by tradition, by the so-called responsibility of the edicts of society, or your own fear of death, of insecurity, of disease--all this prevents the true freedom of being, does it not? Freedom is not possible if there is any form of outward or inward compulsion which comes into being when there is the urge to conform to the pattern of society, or the pattern that you have created for yourself, as being good or not good. As long as the mind is seeking any form of security--and that is what most of us want--as long as the mind is seeking permanency in any form, there can be no freedom.
--J Krishnamurti, Poona 1953.

I heard it recently said that the motivating factor behind legalism is fear not love. Are we not asked to fear God? Or does that mean respect God? I find love to be more motivating than fear. Sure, fear works to motivate too but which should be fueling us? Is it wrong to use fear? Sometimes fear works better than love (e.g. children doing chores). There is also the reward system. Do you do things because you are free to do them, because you love doing them, because of the consequences if you don't, or because of what you will get out of it? What motivates you and do you feel free?

I now pronounce you...

My mom always says to me,
"When I was young, we didn't have books and conversations about marriage
the way your generation does."

analyze analyze analyze...

What are you looking for in a marriage partner?
Or
What were you looking for if you are already married?

These are frequent bits of advice I hear...

Marry your best friend.
Commitment is the key.
You have to "like" the person, not just love them.
There must be physical chemistry.
You should have the same values and beliefs.
Know each others' love languages.
Find someone with similar dreams.
Date for at least two years.
It doesn't matter how long you date.
You will just "know."
Arranged marriages often last longer than chosen ones.
Marry someone you can "play" with.
Find someone that will support you no matter what.
Marry up.
Consider their family...because you "marry" them too.
Is their personality type compatible with yours?
Don't get married. It's too much work.
Get married! It's awesome!


What picture is painted in your head of marriage?
A partnership
Best friends
A business deal
King and servant
Queen and waterboy
Debate team
Two random people sharing a house
Lovers
Adventurers
Givers
Takers
Teammates
???

Perfect Partner

Ahh Friday! I breathed in the warm evening air as I stepped out of my car and was greeted by my housemate, Felicia in the driveway. It had been a long day at work and my running shoes were calling my name. Within five minutes, Felicia and I were in our work-out clothes and pounding the pavement. Thought-provoking conversation is never lacking with us. The sun had gone behind our hill but we we could see it flooding the hill across the valley. We chased it till we had conquered the small mountain overlooking our town. The sky was warm with color and Sabbath was upon us. Near the house we discussed the perfect dinner for that evening and decided on a gourmet salad and smoothies. Making a quick dash to the store together, we were soon home in the kitchen. I fixed the meal while Felicia cleaned up the kitchen and lit candles for our dinner. After we ate, we moved the candles upstairs to the big spa tub and threw on swimsuits for a long soak. We took turns reading some of The Last Battle from the Chronicle of Narnia and played with little bath beads. As I sat there reflecting on the night I burst into laughter. What a perfect way to bring in the Sabbath...If you are married!!! ...I guess for now though, Felicia is perfect company for Friday evenings. :)

3:30 today

About a year ago I took a nap at 3pm and set my watch to wake me up at 3:30. For some reason I never changed it... So every day at the same time, my watch reminds me it's still working and that moment gets burned in my memory.

I decided to keep track of those 3:30 moments last week.

Friday- Suturing a skin graft into an old man's face where we cut out some cancer. He is paralyzed on his right side because 23 years ago he was walking out of a theater in Baltimore where a lady dropped her purse and a loaded gun inside of it went off and shot him in the head. The bullet is still in his skull and the woman was only fined $125.

Sabbath- Throwing a football with Larissa in the park surrounded by orange groves, the smell of citrus wafting in the air. The sun is shining, her dog Mosey is barking at a squirrel, and life feels sweet.

Sunday- Just hopped on a cruiser bike along side 8 friends for a ride down the boardwalk at Mission bay. It's crowded but the ocean and sunshine make up for it and dodging people becomes like a game.

Monday- In the derm clinic cutting off 13 moles from a woman's left leg. This lady is covered in moles but has a very beautiful face. She looks young for her age (29). I was surprised when she said she's been married 11 years... and inspired when she admitted she still gets excited to see her husband at the end of each day. I hope my marriage is like that.

Tuesday- I'm standing in a closet...hiding myself. I just walked in on the doctor and his mail-order bride from Russia at a very awkward moment.

Wednesday- Standing in room with 3 elementary-age kids and their mother. The boy is being treated for warts on his fingers. His sisters are decked out in everything green. They are the only people I've seen today that remembered St. Patrick's day.

Thursday- Talking to a beautiful 35 yo woman who is about to pay $600 for Botox injections. She is doing it secretly behind her husband's back but then makes the comment, "He probably won't even notice."

Possibilities

Somehow I ended up with 5 days off in a row.
My initial thought was, "I'll fly home to Oregon and surprise the fam."
This idea was dashed when I realized I am a student with no income.
So the next best thing is free...
Here is the list of things I plan on doing during my mini vacation:

Clean the whole house for the roommates
Sleep under the stars in my backyard
Paint
Go to the ocean and breathe the sea air
Frame a painting my sister made me
Make 2 new journals
Read
Set up my slackline in the park and welcome onlooking children to try it
Go to church
Send homemade cards to loved ones
Cook something new
Work on my portfolio
Study...a little
Spend quality time in the hot tub with my housemates
Take Larissa's dog for a run
Mail Ansley's Christmas present...finally
Paint a landscape from my New Zealand trip
Have a long conversation with God
Get my haircut
Dance

Letting it go

"You're still holding my favorite balloon" she whispered.
"I was just borrowing it" he replied.
"I know" she said, "You can keep it if you want."
He looked at her with kind eyes and let the string slip through his fingers.

They come in 3s

Last Week:

1. My housemate, Felicia, lost her darling Grandma. Emotional recovery will take a while.

2. My dad lost his job. Being a small Adventist school that is not thriving in this economy they had to cut out the high school. Unfortunately my dad is the high school teacher. I'm confident he can get hired again...if there are jobs out there. I'm ready for some economic recovery.

3. There isn't a 3. ...but isn't that how it usually happens?

Permanence

"the property of being able to exist for an indefinite duration." Being an ENFP I don't favor permanence very often. I like keeping my options open but I'm realizing (especially in the past 2 days) that sometimes it's necessary and other times you have no choice. Yesterday, my housmate's grandma passed away. They were very close and several times I joined my housemate for her daily visit with her grandma. When I came home last night, my normal chipper housemate was curled up in her bed under her grandma's blanket. I crawled in next to her as she laid on my shoulder and cried. I have never lost a close family member so I know I don't understand her pain but even the permanence was a strange concept to wrap my mind around. Her grandma will never again be in her apartment.

On a different note...I had to tell a guy that was pursuing me that I could never see us dating. "Never" is a harsh word. I don't like saying it. I understand that you must be clear and honest with people but it just seems like a knife when you sever something permanently.

Here I go

I'm gonna run.

That's what I do...when I get frustrated, bored, excited, angry, ambitious, sad, energized.

It's in my blood. Is that bad? I grew up running. Always new places, new people, new experiences. Running was the answer to anxiousness. Get it out.

I feel it coming... My leg is constantly moving like a sewing machine. I'm ready to run.

Where next? Hawaii? Atlanta? Patagonia? Alaska? Greece? Australia?


I'm gonna run.


Come and get me.

3 a.m. bedtime stories

I should be passed out by now. I've worked the last 3 nights in the ER so even though I'm tired...my body wants to stay awake. Just watched a movie...thinking it would help me fall asleep...nope. A car just pulled up outside at the neighbors. I guess I'm not the only one up.

Last night in the ER (around 3 a.m.) a girl came in after a "cat fight" at a restaurant. Her opponent had taken off her stiletto and hit our patient in the eye. She had a nice laceration across her eyelid. Fat was oozing out and her eye and cheek were swollen like a balloon. The X-rays showed a "blow-out" fracture, meaning the thin bony socket that holds the eyeball got cracked in several places. You can't really put a cast on that. We called ophthalmology to come suture up her lid. The resident that came was from Loma Linda. She did a really good job.

The night before that we had a half naked girl brought in by the police for assaulting his sergeant but that wasn't before they broke up the "cat fight" she was in. Her wound was a nice meaty bite mark on the back of her arm. Apparently biting is still allowed when you're an adult...or maybe just when you're drunk. That same night I sutured up a laceration on man's forehead. He had also been brought in by the police and not only was he intoxicated, he was very upset with the cop that arrested him for possession of cocaine and felt the need to verbalize this...over and over again. This certain policeman was a young and cocky fellow who preceded to purposely aggravate the man and for some reason had taken a liking to me and was asking me questions about myself as I prepared for my suturing procedure. With the patient hand-cuffed to both sides of the gurney, laying on his back, his line of sight was limited but the officer chose to stand directly over him across the bed from me. This made my job difficult as the drunken man kept turning his head to scold the officer and ramble on about injustice. The cop smugly ignored him as he continued to "interrogate" me. My tolerance level was declining as I thought, "this officer has just as much common sense as this drunk man." I took a plastic syringe of normal saline to irrigate the wound. My plan was to push the fluid gently into the laceration to clean it out but as I pushed on the end of the syringe...it wouldn't budge. I pushed harder...And like a shotgun going off, the saline shot into the wound and ricocheted out the other direction splattering blood all over the wall, the sheets and...the policeman's face. He looked at me in shock as his hand slowly wiped a few drops off his cheek and out of his eye. With a serious tone I said, "You should probably go have the doctor look at that." He walked out. I honestly felt bad for the mistake but with him gone my patient quieted down, fell asleep, and I sewed him up in peace.

Gray or Blue...lyrics

I feel so helpless now, my guitar is not around
And I'm struggling with the xylophone to make these feelings sound
And I'm remembering you singing and bringing you to life
And It's raining out the window and today it looks like night

You haven't written to me in a week I'm wondering why that is
Are you too nervous to be lovers, friendships ruined with just one kiss
I watched you very closely and I saw you look away
Your eyes are either gray or blue, I'm never close enough to say

But your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face
I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes
I'm with another boy; he's asleep, I'm wide awake
And he tried to win my heart, but it's taken time

I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk
And I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk
And I want to know it all but I'm giving you the lead
So go on, go on and take it, don't fake it, shake it

Crazy eyes have you. Are they gray or blue?

I won't make the move
you must make the move
if you make the move
I will then approve
if you do not move
we will surely lose

Don't second guess your feelings. You were right from the start
And I notice she's your lover, but she's nowhere near your heart
This city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars
But I think it's very dangerous if we do not take whats ours

And I'm winning you with words because I have no other way
I'd love to look into your face without your eyes turning away
Last night I watched you sing because a person has to try
And I walked home in the rain because a person cannot lie

Temporary Madness

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

Congratulations to two of my favorite people, Rika and Aaron, on the beginning of your life together. Oct. 18, 2009

feeling rich

Generally I don't care for rain. Overcast days can bring my mood down but today is different. SoCal is mostly sunny so a dreary day is refreshing. I am introspective today. I feel like sitting by a window covered in rain drops and writing. So here I am. I feel content. I just had a long conversation with a good friend, received a post card from another, and got a package from my mom filled with tea, chocolate, and licorice...some of my favorites.

I have a proposal to write today to get approval for my small group to paint an old thrift store that is going under. We are going to try and revive it by giving it a major face lift inside and out. They give their profits to the nursing scholarship at Loma Linda so we would like to get them back on their feet. Soon the drab grey metal building will be bright red and white like a barn and hopefully new signage will come next.

The adult psych unit is interesting. We have patients that think they are the Hercules and Zeus, one that sees angels and demons, another that is "being followed by the pentagon because he found the solution for the world", and one that thinks all the staff members are different famous people. I'm Helen Hunt. It is never a dull day on the unit.

I can't explain the way I feel right now. It's sort of like the feeling I get when I watch the movie, "Away We Go." Do you ever feel like your life could be a movie? Or that you are watching yourself as an outsider. The soundtrack for my life right now is a Ray Lamontagne song and my day has been a contrast of melancholy feelings and happy/quirky/unexpected experiences.

I love it.

What I want out of life...

I want to be a grandma in a rocking chair that reads books to her grandchildren on her lap and then goes and climbs trees with them.

I want my conversations with my Father to continually get longer and deeper.

I want to always be full of love for people around me.

I want to wake up next to my husband when I'm 80 and we'll smile at each other, knowing we have had an amazing life together.

I want to speak gently and love unconditionally.

I want to kiss my husband every time he comes home.

I want my children to be thinkers but not afraid to feel. I want them to spend more time outdoors than inside and be known for their kindness more than any other attribute.

I want to get good use and wear out of everything I own and if I don't I want to be able to give it away without blinking twice.

I want to wake up to the words, "Good Morning Beautiful"

I want to go jogging with my fiance' on the morning of our wedding.

I want a slack-line, a tree house, a hammock, bird feeders, and a rope swing in my back yard.

I want to randomly go grocery shopping at 1 am with my husband.

I want to always be a loyal friend.

I want my day-to-day expenses to be very simple so that large amounts of money can easily be given to those in need or used for travel.

I want my door to always be open and friends to come over unexpectedly.

I want to live near a few close friends that become our family.

I want Sabbath to be the best day of the week for everyone in my home.

I want to run a marathon.

I want to live in Hawaii again.

I want to work in my garden barefoot, in a skirt.

I want to wear flowers in my hair at my wedding.

I want to regularly communicate with my husband from across a room with our eyes.

I want to live near water.

I want to take evening walks with my husband and hold his hand.

I want to always be able to feed who ever walks through my door.

I want family time be filled with laughter and teasing whether we're playing in the snow, on the beach, or cooking together in the kitchen.

I want to be my husband's biggest fan.

I want to let my kids keep any animal they bring home and help them raise it.

I want to regularly camp with my kids in the back yard and make blueberry pancakes in the morning.

I want to learn how to dance.

I want to travel.

I want my wrinkles to be from smiling so much.

I want to have soft sheets.

I want to ride a train a long distance.

I want my children to go climbing and snow shoeing with my dad.

I want to read books that enrich my life.

I want to spend more time building relationships than a career.

I want to live someplace sunny.

I want to be a missionary.

I want...

Psych!

2nd rotation of 12. Psychiatry. I'm working on the adolescent inpatient unit this week and have been very fascinated and saddened by the mentally disabling illnesses out there that affect our youth. One girl in particular was a well functioning, straight A 15 year old with only a history of bipolar in her family to be her downfall. So the combination of faulty genes and large amounts of cortisol building up in her brain from stress (she just broke up with her boyfriend) causes her to have her first "break". A "break" in bipolar disorder means a manic phase of this disease. (Bipolar being the combination of depression and mania). So after a few days of not eating or sleeping because of the heartbreak she begins to become hyperactive and hypertalkative. Her parents realize something is different with their daughter so they put her in the car to go to the ER. On the way to the hospital the girl gets out of the moving vehicle and precedes to remove all her clothing while walking out into traffic. (She has now "broken") At the hospital, the girl tells the nurse that she is 4 years old and has no orientation to where she is at or what day it is. From the hospital she is admitted to the unit I'm working on. She is now my patient. The doctor and I go in to talk with her. She is still undressing herself and so she is kept in an isolated room. She is wrapped in a blanket sitting on her bed. It is obvious that she is "checked out". She can't answer our questions. She can't remember anything past 1st grade and when we sit in silence she will space out and then be surprised to see the doctor sitting next to her. She reaches out to touch his shoulder to see if he is real. She can't delineate between reality and the hallucinations she's seeing. Thankfully this is bipolar and not schizophrenia. Bipolar is treatable with meds and people can function normally if they are compliant with taking them. My heart aches for her and her family. These few weeks will be some of the hardest for them. But there is hope. Hope that she will improve. Hope that our Father will come soon and restore us all with new minds.