Amazing Women

I'm pumped right now! The coffee I had earlier is probably partially to blame considering I never drink caffeine but I'm pretty sure I know the real reason I'm excited... I love my job!!! I am part of something so exciting right now and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be at this moment in life. In case you didn't know, I work at a drug and alcohol recovery center that does amazing things for its patients but the most exciting thing right now is the brand new Eating Disorder center we are opening up. Not only is my boss, Becky amazing, one of our clinical consultants is Anita Johnston, author of "Eating in the Light of the Moon" and she has been here the past few days from Hawaii to train the staff for this new unit. We also have two other consultants that have flown in, Amy and Lynn, and they are just as incredible as Anita.

I have always known I wanted to do great things that help others and now I have these incredible women modeling what empowered women can do. My mother is a very talented woman that could do world-changing things with her skills but she lacks the self-confidence to push herself and get over her fears. So I've discovered this internal battle I have that partially tells me "I can't do big things...stick to the simple things." but the other side says, "Look at these women! You are not any different. You don't lack anything they have. Live up to your full potential!"

I don't know if my calling is to work in the Eating Disorder field forever but I know it's needed. There are not many professionals in this area that know how to really treat an ED. These women have been in this field for 15, 20, and 30 years. It's kinda cool to think if I stuck in it and gleaned as much info from them that I could that just a few years down the road I'd have some good experience under my belt. Starting at 24 would give me years to learn about this. That has been one of the most exciting parts of this week, learning, soaking up this information that is so helpful, and true, and applicable not just to EDs but to anyone in life.

Several of the thing that have stuck out to me are the way these women are transparent. They know themselves and are not afraid to admit their weaknesses. In fact, it only makes them stronger when they explain their weak points before someone else can point them out and accuse them that something is wrong. I want to learn to not care so much what other people think of me, always trying to look "good" without being true to myself or others. These women laugh a lot, affirm others, and are confident in their abilities. I admire them so much. The other thing that I've been learning about (which I think it's great to constantly learn new things) is self-awareness: how to be in touch with what your body, emotions, and what your spirit is telling you. How to learn to hear your body's "hunger and full" signals even though they are subtle. How to be aware of habits and addictions that are triggered because of something deeper down you don't want to feel or deal with. It is so important to stay in the "NOW" and not run away from any emotion that comes up. Rumi wrote a poem about the body being a house that is visited by unexpected guests every day. Those guests can be joy, sadness, anxiety, depression, glee, anger, and many others but the important thing is to welcome them all with open arms. Embrace those feelings, explore them because they tell you something about yourself. It is OK to feel. Being conscious of your needs, wants, dreams, and opinions is healthy and it is even more healthy to express them. Co-dependency develops from our family of origin or our past experiences but addictions develop from co-dependency. If we don't find out what makes us happy, how to self soothe, or how to voice our feelings we will be headed down a path that leads to self-destructive behavior.

I'm so excited to be learning all this now, before I'm married, before I have children, and before I pursue that big career. I'm in the process of discovering myself right now. It's not easy but it's exciting and it's worth it.

1 year and 4 months

The man and I have been in a relationship for 16 months now. That's a long time! It's the longest continuous relationship we have both ever been in and I have to say it's one of the coolest. I know compared to my grandparents who have been married for almost 60 years it looks like a micro-machine next to a semi, but when it comes to a committed serious relationship, I'd say this is a pretty good start.

There is definitely a different feeling to the relationship than there was a year ago. I wouldn't say the honeymoon stage is over because I still get just as excited to see him after any length of absence and I still melt in his arms when he pulls me close and kisses my cheek. The difference is now when I look into his eyes I know who I am looking at. I know his strengths, I know his weaknesses, and I know he knows mine. As scary as it is in the early stages of a relationship to reveal your true colors and let the person see your faults, I think it is also what draws you closer and makes your emotional/spiritual connection much more intimate.

Trust also plays a giant role in a healthy relationship. I love that about my man. I know I can trust him with anything, I know I can believe what he tells me and I trust his abilities and where he is headed in life.

While I'm on a role with bragging about the man, I just have to say that there are few men out there like him. He is amazing to begin with but he's not afraid of improvement or learning. God knows we can all improve (me especially) but a lot of people don't like to admit it. The man is so good about being open to improving our relationship and making it the healthiest it can be. He listens when I vent about something and doesn't make up excuses. The best part about these past 16 months is that our relationship has only been improving. While some couples allow issues to eat away at their friendship, we have faced ours head on and with God's help we have been overcoming them one by one.

I'm really lucky to have this guy. He's lucky to have me too. :) So we make a good match. I can't imagine what things will be like in another 16 months but that's part of the excitement. I'll let you know when we get there.

Let's break up and say we didn't

I have this internal struggle when it comes to conflict in my relationship with The man. When we are disagreeing on something or dealing with intense issues, my first impulse is to say, "I think we should break up." and then leave. You've heard of the "Fight or Flight" response. Well I'm set on auto-pilot for flying only. I like to avoid difficult interpersonal relationship issues by "calling off the relationship." or sleeping. Although when I wake up, the problems are generally still there ...or they've downsized A LOT and then I regret negative remarks I may have said or worse, proposing a breakup.

I feel so bad for The man because about once a month he gets dragged through the muddiness of my vacillating feelings. The first three weeks of the month are happy. I'm self-confident, he is romantic, and we are crazy about each other. Then comes week four. My hormones hit the fan and doubt rains down on our parade. I spend all day and especially right before bed deciding why I should break up with him. I tear him to pieces in my head and decide that he just isn't the one.

I hate this about myself. I don't know why I think breaking up will fix anything. This problem has been a common thread in my past relationships, and breaking up has obviously not fixed anything. A wise man once said, "When you have difficulties in your relationship, don't turn outward to other people or things. Turn inward to the other person to find solutions together."

I realize that I need to fix this. Whether it be through counseling or/and the help of God, I want to kick this habit and learn how to counter-react my emotions during those dreadful times...and keep my mouth shut about calling off the relationship.

Where do I stand at this moment? Beside my man, ready to face our issues and ready to run from the illusion that, breaking something fixes it.