feelings

My counselor says I don't spend time with my feelings. I'm quick to put up a wall to anything painful. I know this. It's my coping mechanism. I have left too many homes, too many friends, too many loved ones to allow myself to feel the pain that comes with saying good-bye. If I keep looking toward the future and exciting things around the corner I don't have to remember the past.

Where are you, feelings?

I have been trying to spend time alone exploring that uncharted territory but not much is found. My heart is not my own to conquer. It has its own bonds with another outside of myself. When I am carefully focused on the present task at hand something pulls on those strings.
I'm attached.

If I cannot feel the warmth, or pain, or longing of my own heart it is another heart that calls to mine. I can feel the warmth and pain and longing of that heart thousands of miles away.
Soul connection.

I don't understand it...logic can't explain it...with each tug that soul makes on mine...my heart's door is inched open bit by bit. Come out, feelings. Break out and see...

My New Love

It has taken 24 years for us to meet but we finally did and I'm in love with dancing. This is the second weekend I've been to a local dance studio where they give an hour lesson and then open up the floor with a variety of music and steps. Tonight we learned the basics for Fox Trot and Lindy Hop Swing but also attempted Salsa, Tango, Cha cha, Rumba, Two Step, the Waltz and more. There is something so exhilarating about moving to music and allowing yourself to let loose. I danced with a bunch of people including my friend Andrea but Burt was my primary dance partner. The best part was we both didn't care if we looked ridiculous. We just made things up as we went with cheesy grins on our faces the whole time. I would love to get better and be able to look graceful on the floor. As for now, I'm happy with the exciting awkwardness of these early dates with dancing.

Touching Dead People

Today was the first time I've ever seen a dead person. I actually got to see four of them...without their skin on. During A&P lab we were introduced to the cadaver lab and the 4 humans we would be dissecting. I walked in the room and was immediately hit with the pungent smell of formaldehyde. Throughout the room were about 20 gurney size tables covered in white plastic coverings. The mounds and bumps under the plastic all represented humans that had once been walking, talking people. I felt faint.

A classmate helped me set my mind into a mode of science and logic. However, throughout class I found myself slipping back and forth between seeing the muscles and bodies as objects for learning and then imagining them moving and they way their voice sounded. The hands and head are the hardest to look at. The heads stay covered with cloth but their bare fingers still have the skin and nails on them. One cadaver had hands like my grandmother. I'm not a morbid person but I suppose anyone can sound that way when talking about skinned cadavers.

Near the end of lab today I had my gloved hand gripping the biceps brachii and smoothing out the latisimis dorsi of these dear people. Although I seemed to be in a logical mindset my feelings hadn't dissappeared. I was in awe at their willingness to be donated to science and promised them to do my best to respect and treat them with care as we explore the human body.

Ethics

As of now, one of my favorite classes in PA school is Clinical Ethics. Not only is it taught by the man who was my summer camp director when I was 7, the class makes me think long and hard about what I believe. At some point we have to go from having opinions to having positions. Being 24, I would say I'm at the age where I need to start making up my mind about the serious issues in life.

But ethics can be so grey. You believe it is ok to pull the plug on a patient surviving on life support... until it's your 22 y/o brother. Abortion is totally out of the question until it's your wife's life or the baby inside her. Do you marry someone that is safe and similar to you or do you throw normality to the wind and run off with the exotic dream that just offered to be reality?

Ethics is not only about what is right and wrong but how we came to the conclusion. How do I conclude?

The Pretty Hill

Two weeks ago I arrived with my mother after a 5 day road trip at this beautiful house on top of a hillside. Looking over the valley that would be my home for the next 2 years, I smiled, knowing that I had begun a new chapter in my life.

I'm one week into my Masters program to become a Physician Assistant and I'm so excited. You would think that at a school that costs 50k a year they would have good teachers...they do. I've been impressed at the quality of my teachers but I've only been to 5 out of 8 classes I have this quarter.

My favorite teacher so far is my Behavioral Science teacher. He looks and talks like Anthony Hopkins. He has a slight German accent, a humble but bold personality, and a sense of humor that can make anyone laugh. He is such a wealth of knowledge when it comes to people and treating patients. I had to pee from the beginning of class but didn't get up to leave for the whole 2.5 hours because I didn't want to miss anything he said.

So far I've decided I need to form good study habits and get into an exercise routine.
Neither of those have happened yet.
More to come...

The List

I know there is some controversy out there about whether or not we should have a list of things we want in a spouse. I am one that totally supports it because I believe we should set goals for what we want in life. I believe in trusting God's leading but I also believe He gives us the gift of choice...and this is the type of man I will choose. (Beyond number 1, they are in no particular order)

1. Passionate about God
2. Open to new ideas and growing
3. Confident
4. Creative/ Romantic
5. A strong but humble leader
6. Good communicator/ honest
7. Kind to everyone...not just me
8. Adventurous/ Spontaneous
9. Loves the Outdoors and Traveling
10. Crazy about me and genuinely interested in my life
11. Can make me laugh
12. Well-rounded intelligence
13. Enjoys being healthy...my running buddy
14. A real man...none of this metro crap
15. My best friend...the one I can't wait to come home to and share my secrets with.

Ok...I'm well aware that I can't be selfish. It's only fair that I have a list about the type of wife I want to be. :)

1. Passionate about God
2. Open to growth and improvement
3. Supportive and Encouraging
4. Respectful
5. Healthy and fit
6. Gentle and kind
7. Can make him laugh
8. Honest and faithful
9. Adventurous / Spontaneous
10. Creative
11. Smart/ resourceful
12. Love for the outdoors and traveling
13. A good cook
14. Head over heels for my man
15. Forgiving

Weddings

Cherie Martinez (Finney)- January 30, 2005
Larissa Skinner (Hamel)- January 1, 2006
McKenzie McCoy (Javelosa)- October 7, 2006
Jennifer Patillo (McGuire)- December, 2007
Crystal Cabansag (Colon)- December, 2007
Valerie Miller (Elliott)- June 1, 2007
Heidi Whitehead (Litell)- June 29, 2008
Joy Wintermeyer (Anthony)- August 17, 2008
Cara Swinyar (Kirk)- October 26, 2008
Whitney Harrison (Robison)- December 21, 2008
Rachel Hopkins (Keele)- May 9, 2009
Jessica Johnston (Harrington)- May 17, 2009
Monika Bliss (Morris)- May 17, 2009
Laura Bowen (Knutson)- September 20, 2009
Rika Gemmell (Meyer)- October 18, 2009
Melanie Eddlemon (Litchfield)- May 16, 2010
Jessica McGraw (Moretz)- ???
Tiffany Larson (?)- ???
Ansley Howe (?)- ???
Vanya Zegarra (?)-???
Elaine Ko (?)- ???
Jessica Williams (?)- ???
Becca Flaiz (?)- ???
Hanna Murray (?)- ???
Sarah Hayhoe (?)- ???
Amanda Jehle (?)- ???
Maranatha Hay (?)- ???
Jennifer Cherne (?)- ???
Lauren Holland (?)- ???
Felicia Ford (?)- ???
Andrea Baer (?)- ???
Valerie Robinette (?)- ???

Dreamin'

I'm naturally a dreamer. I have bizarre and wild dreams that vividly form when I'm asleep and then I have dreams for when I'm awake. They are not always as odd as my dreams at night but they suffice to keep me excited about life and the future.

When it comes to the consideration of spending the rest of your life with someone...you better have similar dreams and goals in life. Otherwise that could be a bit awkward down the road. "What!? You want to move to Kenya and live in a hut? I was planning on living next door to my parents in Kentucky the rest of my life." Hmmmm...

It was refreshing this evening when I was reminded that The guy and I are pretty much on the same page. I may want to travel a bit more than him but when it comes to lifestyle and goals for a marriage we couldn't agree more. Part of what makes our relationship so enjoyable is being open to change, suggestions, and constructive criticism. I have never met a guy that is as cool about improvement as the one I'm dating. (Not that there is much to improve) But it takes a real man to set aside his pride and say, "Hey, you're right...I could be better in that area." and then actually make change.

How frustrating it is when a guy is threatened by a suggestion. As loving girlfriend's we are not out to tear you down and obliterate your ego but we feel safe enough with you to talk about improving things. Anyways...that's a different topic all together.

So The guy is pretty awesome when it comes to dreaming and setting goals for our life. We grimace at the thought of mediocrity and will not settle for the typical life and style. Dreaming big is good but it's so much more exciting when you can share those dreams with someone you love and has the same vision as you.

I can't complain

Have you heard of the movie, "The Secret"? They were playing it at work the other day and I caught bits and pieces of it. The primary message was about positive thinking and how what we think about is what we get. I believe that to an extent...actually to a large extent. If you set goals for yourself and think and visualize them you are more likely to get them. I have goals for life like being a Physician Assistant and living in a yurt and traveling but what about my goals in my relationships? This is where I need to work on my positive thinking. If I want an amazing relationship with my boyfriend than that's what I need to focus on, not the negative. The days I dwell on the things that irritate me are the days where I get more irritated. But the days where I look at the positive and am truly thankful for how incredible things are...that's when things just keep getting better.

The problem is trying to get out of the "blues" on the days I just don't feel happy about things. I know inside that I can change the situation by changing the way I think about it. Thoughts turn into feelings and feelings turn into attitude. In Romans it says, "Change the way you think by focusing on Jesus Christ." That is a key answer to this problem. The day always goes much better when I start it out on my knees and in the Word.

Sigh...Life is good and God is better.

Purgatory

I've been in a slump the past few days. For some reason life just doesn't seem as exciting...or maybe I'm just not as excitable as I have been. Nothing horrible has happened to put me into a depression other than the fact that I feel like I'm on the bench when the whole team is out playing the last game of the season. You've heard of Purgatory...the place where you wait until you can get into Heaven. In an odd way I feel like I'm there.

I'll explain. My best friend just had her first baby. A good number of my friends are about to return from the mission field over seas while others will be leaving soon to start theirs. A bunch are graduating in May. Several are finishing their first or second year of med school and some of my closest friends are talking about marriage and getting engaged.

Me on the other hand- I already graduated in December. The big grand opening for the new unit at my work has come and gone so things are pretty normal and a tad boring at times. I can't go to camp this summer because I'm working and I'm eventually going to med school but not until September (6 months away). Everything is great with my boyfriend. No drama there to get me stirred up...or engagement. So here I am in the waiting period. Is this what people call "the rut"? I'm too young to be in a rut!!! But I seriously feel like something is missing from my life. Where are my dreams, my creativity, my drive?

Don't worry...I'm not that bad. Tonight was actually really good. My boyfriend picked me up and took me tree climbing. We climbed several oaks and just sat up there for hours talking as the world passed by underneath us. I'm lucky to have him...not just "a guy like him" but HIM. He is different from the rest and actually is a great match for me. We fit together quite nicely.

Purgatory is not only a waiting place but a place to improve oneself for what's to follow. It also is associated with being temporary. So looking at my situation...although it may seem dull I can use it as a time to improve myself for what's to come and remember that this is only temporary. This too shall pass.

Note: I've noticed I've started sleeping on the left side of the bed the past few days when I normally sleep on the right. Maybe I'm just waking up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning and that's what's causing all this nonsense. ??

Amazing Women

I'm pumped right now! The coffee I had earlier is probably partially to blame considering I never drink caffeine but I'm pretty sure I know the real reason I'm excited... I love my job!!! I am part of something so exciting right now and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be at this moment in life. In case you didn't know, I work at a drug and alcohol recovery center that does amazing things for its patients but the most exciting thing right now is the brand new Eating Disorder center we are opening up. Not only is my boss, Becky amazing, one of our clinical consultants is Anita Johnston, author of "Eating in the Light of the Moon" and she has been here the past few days from Hawaii to train the staff for this new unit. We also have two other consultants that have flown in, Amy and Lynn, and they are just as incredible as Anita.

I have always known I wanted to do great things that help others and now I have these incredible women modeling what empowered women can do. My mother is a very talented woman that could do world-changing things with her skills but she lacks the self-confidence to push herself and get over her fears. So I've discovered this internal battle I have that partially tells me "I can't do big things...stick to the simple things." but the other side says, "Look at these women! You are not any different. You don't lack anything they have. Live up to your full potential!"

I don't know if my calling is to work in the Eating Disorder field forever but I know it's needed. There are not many professionals in this area that know how to really treat an ED. These women have been in this field for 15, 20, and 30 years. It's kinda cool to think if I stuck in it and gleaned as much info from them that I could that just a few years down the road I'd have some good experience under my belt. Starting at 24 would give me years to learn about this. That has been one of the most exciting parts of this week, learning, soaking up this information that is so helpful, and true, and applicable not just to EDs but to anyone in life.

Several of the thing that have stuck out to me are the way these women are transparent. They know themselves and are not afraid to admit their weaknesses. In fact, it only makes them stronger when they explain their weak points before someone else can point them out and accuse them that something is wrong. I want to learn to not care so much what other people think of me, always trying to look "good" without being true to myself or others. These women laugh a lot, affirm others, and are confident in their abilities. I admire them so much. The other thing that I've been learning about (which I think it's great to constantly learn new things) is self-awareness: how to be in touch with what your body, emotions, and what your spirit is telling you. How to learn to hear your body's "hunger and full" signals even though they are subtle. How to be aware of habits and addictions that are triggered because of something deeper down you don't want to feel or deal with. It is so important to stay in the "NOW" and not run away from any emotion that comes up. Rumi wrote a poem about the body being a house that is visited by unexpected guests every day. Those guests can be joy, sadness, anxiety, depression, glee, anger, and many others but the important thing is to welcome them all with open arms. Embrace those feelings, explore them because they tell you something about yourself. It is OK to feel. Being conscious of your needs, wants, dreams, and opinions is healthy and it is even more healthy to express them. Co-dependency develops from our family of origin or our past experiences but addictions develop from co-dependency. If we don't find out what makes us happy, how to self soothe, or how to voice our feelings we will be headed down a path that leads to self-destructive behavior.

I'm so excited to be learning all this now, before I'm married, before I have children, and before I pursue that big career. I'm in the process of discovering myself right now. It's not easy but it's exciting and it's worth it.

1 year and 4 months

The man and I have been in a relationship for 16 months now. That's a long time! It's the longest continuous relationship we have both ever been in and I have to say it's one of the coolest. I know compared to my grandparents who have been married for almost 60 years it looks like a micro-machine next to a semi, but when it comes to a committed serious relationship, I'd say this is a pretty good start.

There is definitely a different feeling to the relationship than there was a year ago. I wouldn't say the honeymoon stage is over because I still get just as excited to see him after any length of absence and I still melt in his arms when he pulls me close and kisses my cheek. The difference is now when I look into his eyes I know who I am looking at. I know his strengths, I know his weaknesses, and I know he knows mine. As scary as it is in the early stages of a relationship to reveal your true colors and let the person see your faults, I think it is also what draws you closer and makes your emotional/spiritual connection much more intimate.

Trust also plays a giant role in a healthy relationship. I love that about my man. I know I can trust him with anything, I know I can believe what he tells me and I trust his abilities and where he is headed in life.

While I'm on a role with bragging about the man, I just have to say that there are few men out there like him. He is amazing to begin with but he's not afraid of improvement or learning. God knows we can all improve (me especially) but a lot of people don't like to admit it. The man is so good about being open to improving our relationship and making it the healthiest it can be. He listens when I vent about something and doesn't make up excuses. The best part about these past 16 months is that our relationship has only been improving. While some couples allow issues to eat away at their friendship, we have faced ours head on and with God's help we have been overcoming them one by one.

I'm really lucky to have this guy. He's lucky to have me too. :) So we make a good match. I can't imagine what things will be like in another 16 months but that's part of the excitement. I'll let you know when we get there.

Let's break up and say we didn't

I have this internal struggle when it comes to conflict in my relationship with The man. When we are disagreeing on something or dealing with intense issues, my first impulse is to say, "I think we should break up." and then leave. You've heard of the "Fight or Flight" response. Well I'm set on auto-pilot for flying only. I like to avoid difficult interpersonal relationship issues by "calling off the relationship." or sleeping. Although when I wake up, the problems are generally still there ...or they've downsized A LOT and then I regret negative remarks I may have said or worse, proposing a breakup.

I feel so bad for The man because about once a month he gets dragged through the muddiness of my vacillating feelings. The first three weeks of the month are happy. I'm self-confident, he is romantic, and we are crazy about each other. Then comes week four. My hormones hit the fan and doubt rains down on our parade. I spend all day and especially right before bed deciding why I should break up with him. I tear him to pieces in my head and decide that he just isn't the one.

I hate this about myself. I don't know why I think breaking up will fix anything. This problem has been a common thread in my past relationships, and breaking up has obviously not fixed anything. A wise man once said, "When you have difficulties in your relationship, don't turn outward to other people or things. Turn inward to the other person to find solutions together."

I realize that I need to fix this. Whether it be through counseling or/and the help of God, I want to kick this habit and learn how to counter-react my emotions during those dreadful times...and keep my mouth shut about calling off the relationship.

Where do I stand at this moment? Beside my man, ready to face our issues and ready to run from the illusion that, breaking something fixes it.