I don't understand yet

"I dreamed about going to the beach with my wife like we used to." he said. The nurse was pulling off the yellow fluid soaked dressing from the largest pressure ulcer I have ever seen. The woman's buttocks were nearly gone and bone was visible amongst the red emaciated tissue and serous fluid oozing from the wound. Being a paraplegic, she couldn't control her bladder. This meant urine was constantly soaking her underwear and giving her an additional rash around the ulcer. She also had a colostomy bag attached to the side of her stomach.

I asked them how they met and both of their eyes lit up as they took turns telling the story of how she used to walk by his desk at work and he would wave at her until one day he asked her to breakfast. They spent their early years together biking, swimming, and fishing at Catalina island.

Now...
He spends his days taking care of her. Changing and dressing her wounds, emptying the poop from her colostomy bag, taking her to doctors appointments.

They have been married 25 years and he still looks at her with love in his eyes.

How to make a friendship.

What's the key? The equation for making a friend and keeping a close bond of love and trust? This is what I have decided from experience.

(You + A person you like) + spending at least 15 min together x 5 days a week x 1 year = close friendship

me, myself, and I

I've been off kilter it seems for a week or so now.
I'm just now realizing it but it has been brought to my attention by those closest to me.
Friends, family asking,
"What's wrong?...You don't seem like yourself."
I'm not sure what's wrong but I feel unrest inside my soul.

I guess when I sit back and think about it, there is a lot going on that I'm not addressing.
Grad school is almost over.
Boards come next and I should be lining up job interviews.
But where will I go?
My parents are relocating. I don't have strong ties anywhere.
My relationship with God is not much of a relationship right now.
It has been a while since we talked.
Art.
It used to be a part of me but not recently.
Feeling inadequate.
Not feeling myself.

I've read that for NFs (idealists) it's highly important for their inner compass to be on track,
for them to be in line with their morals and beliefs.
Where did my compass go?

be back soon

On Fear and Freedom

The first necessity for freedom is that there should be no fear--not only the fear imposed by society but also the psychological fear of insecurity. If there is ambition, if there is the struggle to be somebody, does that not entail fear? And does that not imply that he who is very successful is not truly free? So fear imposed by tradition, by the so-called responsibility of the edicts of society, or your own fear of death, of insecurity, of disease--all this prevents the true freedom of being, does it not? Freedom is not possible if there is any form of outward or inward compulsion which comes into being when there is the urge to conform to the pattern of society, or the pattern that you have created for yourself, as being good or not good. As long as the mind is seeking any form of security--and that is what most of us want--as long as the mind is seeking permanency in any form, there can be no freedom.
--J Krishnamurti, Poona 1953.

I heard it recently said that the motivating factor behind legalism is fear not love. Are we not asked to fear God? Or does that mean respect God? I find love to be more motivating than fear. Sure, fear works to motivate too but which should be fueling us? Is it wrong to use fear? Sometimes fear works better than love (e.g. children doing chores). There is also the reward system. Do you do things because you are free to do them, because you love doing them, because of the consequences if you don't, or because of what you will get out of it? What motivates you and do you feel free?

I now pronounce you...

My mom always says to me,
"When I was young, we didn't have books and conversations about marriage
the way your generation does."

analyze analyze analyze...

What are you looking for in a marriage partner?
Or
What were you looking for if you are already married?

These are frequent bits of advice I hear...

Marry your best friend.
Commitment is the key.
You have to "like" the person, not just love them.
There must be physical chemistry.
You should have the same values and beliefs.
Know each others' love languages.
Find someone with similar dreams.
Date for at least two years.
It doesn't matter how long you date.
You will just "know."
Arranged marriages often last longer than chosen ones.
Marry someone you can "play" with.
Find someone that will support you no matter what.
Marry up.
Consider their family...because you "marry" them too.
Is their personality type compatible with yours?
Don't get married. It's too much work.
Get married! It's awesome!


What picture is painted in your head of marriage?
A partnership
Best friends
A business deal
King and servant
Queen and waterboy
Debate team
Two random people sharing a house
Lovers
Adventurers
Givers
Takers
Teammates
???